Once a new home has been established by marriage, the parents are not to be the sounding board for marital struggles. Young couples need a mature Christian friend or counselor to help them in those areas. Far too many disputes with in-laws are self-inflicted by a husband or wife who tells their family of their mate’s failures. The parents are naturally inclined to take their child’s side—sometimes even over truth—and their child’s spouse is faced with a situation that is difficult to overcome. That is not to say that a young couple must suffer silently or that parents are completely off limits for seeking wisdom and counsel, but only that the young couple must above all else honor their new home created by covenant.
Young ladies, if you are always telling your dad what a slob your husband is, what do you think he is going to think of him? Young men, if all your mother hears from you is how your bride doesn’t do anything right, then what is Mom going to think of her? This underscores the importance of having a good church family and unbiased third parties to discuss things with who will not be tainted by blood ties and natural favoritism.
Young couples, you must find balance in this, of course. Keep in mind that the way your family looks at things or handles certain situations is not necessarily the right way. Be open to learn from your spouse’s family. Parents-in-law, if you want to avoid the in-law–outlaw syndrome, let your kids create a family of descendants dependent on God, not on you. They are going to make mistakes, but God has not appointed to in-laws the role of spotlighting them, but of picking their children up and helping them “fail forward,” always showing love and respect for the new household and those trying to figure out how to do marriage right.
Romans 12:18 contains some excellent advice for all of us: “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (NKJV). Notice the first four words: “if it is possible.” Sometimes you can do only so much, as evidenced in the following account:
A young man came home and excitedly informed his mother that he had fallen in love and was going to be married. He said, “Just for fun, Ma, I’m going to bring over three women, and you just try to guess which one I’m going to marry.”
The mother agreed to the test, so the next day he brought home three beautiful young women and sat them down on the couch. After they all had chatted for a while, the young man turned to his mother and said, “Okay, Ma, guess which one I’m going to marry.” The mother immediately replied, “The one in the middle.”
The man responded, “That’s amazing, Ma. You’re right. It’s the one in the middle, but how did you know?”
“I don’t like her,” came the mother’s cryptic reply.
Sad, but true, this too often seems to be the case in many family relationships. My wife Teri and I have had some laughs watching the movie Monster-in-Law. It’s the story of an overbearing mother who thinks no one is good enough for her son and does everything she can to make him break up with the woman he thinks is the perfect mate. I am sure many would find the movie too much like real life to see any humor in it, but the story does have a happy ending. I also believe that by following God’s plan, a happy beginning is possible as well.
Excerpt from “Happily… Even After” now available on Amazon.
