When words that wound come in the form of friendly fire, meaning from those you shouldn’t have to worry about them coming from, family member, close friend etc., there are several important things to consider. The first is something my wife Teri and I adopted as a practice a long time ago. It’s not easy and it requires some brutal self examination and honesty, but, when wounded by friendly fire we ask ourselves a question; “Is there any truth in what was said?” Sometimes we miss the truth of a message because of the method of the messenger, or the words hurt so much because of the source of that we simply cannot allow ourselves to examine them for any element of truth. We had a toxic person in our life when we were younger for a few years who said things that could best be described as; chocolate daggers. They were presented as being well meant and loving but in looking back it is clear they were mean spirited and controlling. It was actually during this season that we adopted this practice of examining everything said to us for any elements of truth that could help us grow, even if the intent and source were meant for evil and not good.
There are other times where words spoken wound us and the intent is not to harm and the spirit behind them is in our best interest and we all would recognize there is just no good or easy way to say a hard thing. The point here is to realize that there are differences in word wounds. Some hurt our pride and nothing more, some hurt our souls and were intended to. This distinction has to be made in order to identify the means by which a wound can become a scar. I also do not want to treat this aspect of learning how to Dance with the Scars created by the words of others carelessly, words matter. Consider the reality that people have their eternal destinies changed by “hearing the word of God.” Words are powerful, words can impact someones life for the rest of their life and there are far too many relationships that were broken because someone was a little too honest or candid with their words, even though they were true.
A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back. – Proverbs 29:11
Words that were said that hurt and severed what was once a wonderful loving friendship, harmed a marriage or tore apart a family often could have been avoided if chosen more carefully or examined for truth by the recipient. Proverbs also tells us that not all that we feel needs to be said and it is foolish sometimes to “vent” on one another and then expect the other person to overlook them when an apology was offered or “I didn’t really mean it” was said. In my marriage book “Happily, Even After” we made the point in one of the chapters that “Words can create wounds that other words cannot heal.” This is why Proverbs 29:11 is important for us all to remember in any relationship where communication is frequent and often emotions are involved. This is what is in view in this chapter and not the vitriolic spewing of those who may attack you with words simply because of what you believe or because they have issues with anger or self control. The verbal abuser can wound the heart just as the physical abuser can the body.
Scanning words that hurt for truth from those we trust and love who may cross the line at times and the relationship is worth enduring friendly fire, the second thing to note is that there are times when things come out differently than they were intended and somehow were jumbled up between the brain and the tongue. I have had more than one laugh with a well-meaning person as I greet them at the door of the church who have said to me after a service; “Wow, you have gotten way better”. I can see the scene in their mind play out almost in slow motion as a pained look comes over their face and they blurt out; “I didn’t mean you were lousy before!” I am always blessed to let them off the hook and tell them that I am glad that I am improving as a communicator of the gospel and that it is evident that I am growing. I could walk away from that comment feeling insulted even though it was heartfelt and truly meant as a compliment. This can happen to anyone and usually does to everyone. The point is, that lifelong relationships have ended or been damaged either because the person hit by friendly fire was not willing to examine the incident for any truth that can be taken from it, or even allow someone a little latitude and accept that maybe what was said was an innocent misstatement and was taken differently than it was intended. Too often, instead of an immediate resolution, which can come by taking these first two steps in handling friendly fire, resentment begins to fester and the relationship is damaged and all too often, permanently. Those are two easily resolvable situations if we are willing to lay aside pride for the sake of the relationship and learn and grow from the faithful “word wounds” of a trusted friend.
But, what if the friend keeps firing, what if the friend has the same last name and said “I do” in the past? What then, what if there is no escape or the person is forced upon you via work, school or family? What if there is no desire o the other end for reconciling and hurting you with more words seems to be their goal and pleasure? It is then that we need more than a half true childhood saying to get us through. I have seen the end result of someone who has been beaten down with words far too often. They lack self assurance, they often end up with a hyper-critical spirit, usually of self but often of others too, they are absent of confidence or sense of personal value. These are the scars of encountering toxic people. Can one dance with these “word caused” scars again? Can the spouse of a constant critic have joy in their life, can the child of a critical parent find their place in God’s plan and enjoy their life of serving Him, or are they destined to be products defined only by the criticisms of others? While words may not break bones but break hearts and relationships this too can become a scar, a memory, and hope, joy and peace can be found after encountering the wounds of a friend. Again… how?
Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy— meditate on these things. – Philippians 4:8
The application of this verse as it applies to this chapter is twofold; First, recognize one of the most important “treatments” for recovering from word wounds is to remember, while accepting any truth a criticism may contain, to also recognize that a critical spirit says more about the critic than the criticized. When this happens we are to look for the good in others and mediate, focus on those things. Second, we also know that not everyone who creates word wounds is a Christian and there is nothing loving and pure to meditate on in the sense of why the word wounds are created. That means the noble, just, pure, lovely, things of good report, virtue and praise worthiness are going to have to be focused on without that person in view. What I mean by that is you will need some positive distractions when the word wounds are a constant barrage from an uncaring source. When this happens it is easy for it to become all consuming, it becomes your daily meditation, focus, and this is not healthy for you even when you can do nothing about the unhealthy persons presence in your life. This is where a healthy church family comes in and participating in noble, just, pure, lovely things of virtue and good report can be helpful in overcoming Friendly Fire.
Excerpt from “Dancing With the Scars” now available on Amazon.
