“Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those weep” – Romans 12:15
Too often a “return to rejoicing” is expected when the appropriate thing to do is to weep, even by the one whom life has wounded at times. “Am I ever going to get through this” some think, those near to them may be wondering the same thing and it is at those times that things are often said that seem uncaring and hurtful. Those wounded are expected to have scarred over by now and returned to full function when the right thing would actually be continued wound care, weeping, compassion and understanding. Again, it is important to note that there are times when it is clear that someone has failed to move forward in an healthy manner and that appropriate action should be taken. Seek help from a Christian mental health professional or if it is anger and doubts about God then a pastor should be sought out to give counsel from the word when it becomes clear that a you or someone else is being shaped by the event and failing to develop a scar. I am reminded of a couple who had constant problems in their marriage and I was consistently surprised at the immature manner that the wife approached conflict resolution in their relationship until I found out she lost her mother before she was a teenager. In some ways, though a successful business professional, she was still 12 years old when it came to facing emotionally difficult circumstances. It became clear that there was improper wound care early in her life that left her unprepared to deal with emotional situations. Her response to some of the emotional, yet ordinary, circumstances in life were on the level of some great life tragedy and was unusually disproportionate to the situation. Something that happened years ago was the control mechanism for her emotions. The wound was still open because it had not received the proper care and Dancing with the Scar of her mothers death and never been achieved. Wounds become scars when they happen on the body and they must do so as well when they happen in the heart and the mind.
This also reminds us that all major wounds leave scars and emotional and physical wounds are no exception as they leave behind evidence of the moment of impact or the event. One of the more difficult things to deal with as a compassionate friend or loved one is childhood and early life traumas that you were not present for the point of impact but clearly see the aftermath or the scars from the past. Those who saw a loved one lying the hospital bed or attended the funeral of a friends spouse or child can more readily understand the aftermath and the pain. However when someone was not present or a part of someones life when a trauma occurred we need to remember that not being eyewitness to the cause of the scar does not lessen the pain of the event in the life of the one who encountered it. I have had more people than I care to remember who have come to my office and shared stories of hard hearted statements made by those who expected them to be better by now or “over it” or just didn’t want to deal with it because they weren’t there and don’t understand. Imagine someone injured in a car accident and had a large laceration on their leg. Maybe you didn’t know them when it happened but heard it was a major injury and required many stitches. Because it happened 20 years ago would you expect them to roll up their pant leg and there would be no scar? Of course not and the same is true for early life emotional and mental injuries. All major wounds leave scars, even in the lives of Christians, including the unseen areas of the mind and heart.
Excerpt from “Dancing With the Scars” now available on Amazon.
