Fractured Fellowship

Each of our chapters addressed difficult and heartbreaking issues that many encounter in life, some of them are avoidable, others are not. Life brings things our way that we have no control of at times and that often includes the painful actions of others and the impact of those actions on us. While it is true that divorce, friendly fire and broken relationships are completely avoidable it is also true that it’s only true when all parties are committed to the plan. Our subject in this chapter addresses an issue that has always been present but, much like divorce, it has advanced by leaps and bounds in recent years. When I was growing up I did not know anyone who was from a broken home, none of my friends parents were divorced and I did not know anyone who lived in a single parent home, but times have changed. Times have also changed concerning our subject of Fractured Fellowship, broken relationships between a person and the church or pastor. The number of books written on the subject is staggering which, in and of itself, reveals the magnitude of the issue today that again, though always present, has reached an unprecedented scale. It is also true that what we found in the chapter of Friendly Fire is often the cute of Fractured Fellowship and that is miscommunication. 

One of the sad realities of our day is that oftentimes when a dispute arises people start talking about each other instead of to each other. This is frequently the case when it comes to church misunderstandings or disputes. With that in mind let me say this before we start digging in to the details; If you have a Fractured Fellowship scenario in your life where there is unresolved conflict between yourself and a church member, leader or pastor, have you talked to them? I recall a young couple in whom I had invested much time, done all their premarital counseling, performed their wedding, talked with through some early marriage hurdles as they began their journey together and all of the sudden they quit showing up at church. After a couple of weeks I though I would check in on them as I was concerned something had happened to one of them and what I heard on the other end of the phone took me by complete surprise. When I asked the young man how they were and if they were ok he replied very curtly, we left the church and are going somewhere else. More than a little surprised I asked why, to which he replied, you walked right by us two weeks in a row and did not say Hi and we figured; who needs ya! So we moved on. I tried to explain that I did not know when this happened and if I walked by without speaking it was not intentional but the issue was settled in their minds and nothing was going to change it. I will say that it is entirely possible that this occurred and anyone who has played sports will understand this, but when I am about the speak I put on the game face, I am focused and as I walk from my office to the sanctuary on Sundays and Wednesday’s it would be quite possible for me not to “see” people who are standing right there. Many of the Fractured Fellowship issues fall under such scenarios, but not all of them do. There are times when hurts are not imagined but real, where a wrong has been committed and a relationship damaged, including the relationship between a pastor or church leader and a member of the church. 

One other thing before we jump in, doctrinal differences on matters of interpretation of last days things or whether one is saved while living under freewill or all the saved are drawn in by God are points to recognize not reasons to divide or Fracture Fellowship. I will stand my ground on my doctrinal understandings and not budge, but I will not say those who see the last days scenario different than I or the progression of how one becomes saved differently than I do are in sin and unsaved. There is a line that is not to be crossed to be sure but I hope you are understanding my point. People in the church throw stones at each other over the silliest things. I was once visiting a church where a famous pastor had preached a century ago and was told by the current pastor when we walked through the sanctuary and noticed some construction going on, that the church had been debating for seventeen years whether or not to repurpose some of the old wooden pews to build a mothers room that would match the rest of the 200 year old sanctuary. Seventeen years to debate an issue that should have taken seventeen minutes at the most. The point is this, make sure that all that should be done to resolve differences is done before severing a church relationship over non sinful issues.

But what about legitimate hurts and not doctrinal differences or matters of opinion? What about when someone has been wronged and sin has been committed and it’s not just hurt feelings or misunderstanding. What then? Can one Dance with the Scars of Fractured Fellowship and having a thriving and safe relationship with a pastor or church again. I hope you already know the answer. Yes! This issue has many tentacles so let me address them one at a time starting with the pastor.

Pastors hurt people at times, sometimes unknowingly other times uncaringly and sadly, sometimes, even purposely. One of the most common and disheartening aspects of the days we live in is to hear how people walked away from church because of the actions of a church leader that wounded them and left them disenfranchised to the point of having a crisis of faith. I want to say two things to those who have been hurt by the sinful actions of pastor or church leader and the first is this; Don’t blame God for what people have done. That “freewill” thing we talk about in church is not strictly a matter of how one comes to faith but the truth is God does not force people to obey Him and people in ministry or leadership positions can “flesh out” just like anyone else. The pastor and church leaders are fallible human beings. They make mistakes, they still battle their flesh and they are as human as anyone else. I say this not in their defense or as a cop out, but I say this in hopes of reminding those hurt by a church leader to remember they weren’t hurt by God and there is no reason to walk away from Him because of what a fallible human did. This is one of the most important lessons we can take away from the Bible is that God’s chosen people do stupid, selfish, mean-spirited, prideful and self-promoting and even lustful things at times and God is responsible for none of them. Many times I have heard people say: I don’t go to church anymore because of what so and so did or how this leader treated me or what I heard that church leader did or said and I don’t want anything to do with a place where there are people like that! First of all consider that statement, to say you left the church because someone hurt you leaves you only in fellowship with the world where people are more ruthless and self promoting than the majority of people in the church. This is jump from the proverbial frying pan into the fire. 

Excerpt from “Dancing With the Scars” now available on Amazon.

BARRY STAGNER