What if the hope is gone and the marriage is over and all that is left are the wounds of divorce? I was thinking of the story of two female co-workers who were at lunch one day and one said to the other: “I couldn’t help but notice you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong hand” to which the other replied; “That’s because I married the wrong man!” Now we need to be careful about approaching the issue of divorce from the perspective of irreconcilable differences because every marriage has them. Not only are two personalities coming together but so are sexual opposites, one male, one female. Each communicates differently than the other, each distinct in their tastes and temperaments from the other, and most of these differences don’t need to be reconciled, just recognized. But what if the mate you had chosen was not the wrong person, but became the wrong person? What if honoring God’s plan was not part of their plans and the relationship ended? What if the one allowance for acceptable divorce even among Christians has occurred and a spouse was unfaithful and a breach of trust created irreparable damage, or no reconciliation was sought? What do you do now that you have experienced this great act of violence that God hates and there was nothing you could do to stop it, or it was for your safety? Can you Dance with the Scars of divorce? Yes!
It has been reported that children recover more easily from the death of a parent than from divorce. With that understanding, we would do well to consider that comparison in that the phases of grief are going to be experienced by those whom this act of violence has been forced upon. There are a few things to help get someone to that place where they can get back on the dance floor of life and begin the process of letting the wound scar over. The first is what we mentioned in Chapter 3: “Do not allow the actions or words of an unfaithful spouse to define your worth.” I have been in the middle of far too many of these scenarios where a spouse has shouldered the blame for the infidelity of their mate. Listen, dear friend, as a husband or wife, and especially as a Christian, you have every right to expect the faithfulness of your spouse to you as unto the Lord. There is no justification for adultery, violence, or mental or emotional abuse. When these things happen it is the absence of self-control in the other person and they are out of the will of God… period! Yes, you could have been a better husband or wife, but that is true every day in every marriage, as long as they both shall live. So do not let the words of those who are in rebellion and sin be the words that define your value before God. God loves you so much He cared enough to put in His book how much He hates what you’re going through. So don’t play the “blame game” especially when the one you’re blaming is yourself. No Christian can ever justify cheating on their spouse, being physically or emotionally abusive, or even claiming irreconcilable differences by saying things like; “I just don’t love you anymore.” When God is part of the equation, all things are possible!
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:4-8a
These verses from the famous “Love chapter” of 1 Corinthian’s make a great point through Paul’s stringing together of 15 Greek verbs to define what love is and there is not one single emotion or feeling listed among them. However, emotions and feelings are certainly a wonderful part of being in love. Paul here is stating what love does and when someone says they don’t love someone anymore it means they have quit doing what love does because this kind of love, according to the word of God, never fails. This is important to understand because it is essential to moving forward after a divorce and fending off the unending replays in your mind of what you could have done differently to keep your mate from cheating or leaving. You must first come to grips with the fact that love can be expressed despite how someone feels and, again, there is never any justifiable reason for cheating or ending a marriage just because of feelings.
We also need to incorporate what we mentioned in Chapter 1 about moving forward with unanswered questions. The trauma of divorce is not unlike the death of a loved one, time stops, emotions take over and questions and feelings begin to rule the mind. This is normal and natural and also reminds us that a future transitioning from wounded to scarred is required as life is not going to pause and the world will move on even though a great trauma has occurred in your life. Make no mistake, however, God sees and knows the pain you are going through and it matters to Him. He knows the pain of divorce and this is why He described it as an act of violence that tears at one’s soul and creates wounds so deep, that it scars the victims for life.
Excerpt from “Dancing With the Scars” now available on Amazon.
