When I make reference to the silent treatment, I am not talking about an agreed-upon cooling-off period that may be needed after an emotional exchange. I am talking about giving your spouse the cold shoulder, a prolonged period of ignoring your spouse, giving one-word answers, or speaking short phrases in a disrespectful tone—in a word, pouting. We all recognize it. The silent treatment has no valid place in any marriage, especially a Christian one. Remember what Colossians 3:16–17 says: “Let the message about Christ, in all its richness, fill your lives. Teach and counsel each other with all the wisdom he gives. Sing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs to God with thankful hearts. And whatever you do or say, do it as a representative of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through him to God the Father.”
Speak to your mate in a spiritually uplifting manner, and give no room for the devil to gain a foothold. That means not going to bed without speaking: “Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity” (Eph. 4:26–27, NASB). Even if all you say before going to bed is that you will discuss the matter more respectfully in the morning, do it. To simply go to bed without speaking or making any attempt at resolution is to give place to the devil. Think about this: Have you ever had something go wrong with someone at work on a Friday and had all weekend to think about it? By the time Monday rolled around, you had replayed in your mind a multitude of scenarios as to how this would play out. Maybe you heard something negative or said something negative and wondered how the first face-to-face was going to go, and all weekend long, your mind concocted all types of reasons for you to be angry. Then, when Monday finally came and you returned to work, the whole thing played out in a completely different manner. We have all been there in some form or another, letting our minds run away with us. What allows this to happen? The absence of dialogue.
Friends, going days without speaking to your mate is just flat-out disobedience to godly conflict resolution. Be angry, but do not sin with corrupt words or fighting over matters of opinion. Be angry, but do not sin by giving each other the silent treatment. In any conflict, be the first to offer a soft answer that will turn away wrath (Prov. 15:1). Don’t turn a minor altercation into a battle that makes you miss the plane to recovery. As Romans 12:18 says, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” Remember,
though, peace is not the absence of conflict. Peace is what you can have in the midst of conflict.
“What percentage of marital conflicts could be avoided?” you may ask. “One hundred percent!” I answer. What percentage will we actually avoid? That depends on you and me. The main problem is pride, the original sin. It was and continues to be Satan’s sin, and he easily afflicts us with the same. Pride is literally at the heart of every sin, so if we can eliminate pride, we can eliminate many of our problems. Even when we fail in this endeavor, we can still set the rules of combat into play and shorten the length of the battle.
As we wrap up this section, let me point out how important this chapter is, especially to young married couples today. We live in a world that has been slowly chipping away at distinctions, not just between the sexes, but also in individuality. Two distinct people and personalities enter into a marriage, but contrary to popular opinion, having a happy marriage does not require the death of individuality. It just requires tools to enable us to handle our differences.
Love, in this postmodern age, seems to be the willingness to accept anything and everything that anyone does. The trend seems to be to eliminate conflict by blurring distinctions between the sexes and between individuals. But this is a crime against the beauty of diversity that the infinitely creative God instituted. When differences are recognized and honored, there will be conflicts that must be resolved decently and orderly, but where distinctions are removed, conformity and the death of individuality are all that’s left. Remember, young couples, you are fearfully and wonderfully made as individuals; in marriage, God makes the two of you one.
Never forget, humility is the key for godly conflict resolution: “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted” (Luke 14:11). Let God be exalted in your home by extending to your mate the same grace that you have received. Even when you don’t see eye to eye, give it a shot; you just might learn something and grow as a person as well. I have experienced this in my own marriage, and I know it can happen for you, even after poor conflict resolution in the past.
When you face conflict in your marriage—and you will—remember the rules of combat. First, leave the past out of the present conflict. Deal only with the issue at hand and nothing more. Second, never, under any circumstances, wander into fighting over opinions; that’s a foolish endeavor. You do not have to like the same things as your spouse and think the same thoughts in order to get along. Your differences can expand your character and even add spice and interest to your marriage. Third, do not let the sun go down on your anger. The silent treatment never cures a problem; it only creates more. These are the rules of combat. These are the ways to deal with conflict and discord. These are the ways to ensure that you will live happily even after a dispute with the mate of your youth.
Excerpt from “Happily… Even After” now available on Amazon.
