Deep Wounds of Divorce

He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest. He is a shield to those who walk with integrity. He guards the paths of the just and protects those who are faithful to him.

Proverbs 2:7-8

Truth be known it is hard to see someone who hurt you happy, or seemingly so. Let’s be honest here, it just is. When we are wounded so deeply to see the cause of our wound happy and moving forward indifferent to the pain and problems they cause it is very disheartening! It tears open the wound time and again and to hear that the kids had fun with someone who hurt you and forced upon you life changes that you never wanted and can get the best of many loving and caring people. While little can be done to lessen the pain of such things in the initial stages of grief there is an overriding truth that must be said to those battling the constant tearing at the wound of divorce being seeing your ex with someone else and that is this; Be a Spirit led Christian all the time.

I know that may sound like the “typical” pastoral pat answer but there is nothing pat about it, it is rock solid, life sustaining truth. Maintaining Christian integrity will keep you in the guidance and protection of the Lord’s will and remind us that our actions are not based on those of others but they are based on the Word of God. Some of you reading this are rejecting it as you read but let me remind you again, this is not my opinion, this is the word of God. Repay no one evil for evil, Romans 12:17, 1 Peter 3:8. When you see the person who keeps the wound open every time you see them be a Spirit led Christian even then. You don’t have to like them but for your sake you need to obey God and let vengeance belong to the Lord. I know this is hard, I see people struggle with the agony of their ex spouse enjoying life while theirs is in shambles and turned upside down. God has promised to take care of the faithful so stay faithful and whatever you do, including making the exchange of the kids or seeing the ex at the school play or sports event, stay biblical and therefore blessable and in time, your wound will become a scar.

One of the more difficult areas in the life of the Christian impacted by the violence of divorce is when the influences on the children are in conflict with your faith when they are with your ex and their new spouse or boyfriend or girlfriend. This is why be Spirit led and maintaining biblical conduct all the time is so crucial. You as a Christian parent are needed now more than ever. I cannot tell you how many people I have talked to who deal with this and I have seen the whole spectrum of reactions. I have seen Christian parents arrested and have watched them become cold and calculated in their passion from revenge. What happens is the children wind up with two bad examples instead of just one. For those who are thinking: What am I supposed to do just roll over and take it? No, you as a parent are fully aware of the sacrifices that parenting requires for the safety and well being of your child and this, for many, becomes on of them. It’s hard, it’s unfair, it hurts and feels like you’re getting the short end of an already bad and hurtful deal. You’re not. You’re being a good and godly parent whose example will shine brightly in the heart and mind of their watching children. Some of you moms will fight the Disneyland dad syndrome where everything at Dad’s house is more fun. Stay the course ladies, train up those children by your example. Some of you single dads are going to be facing the influence of someone in your children’s life who is the same moral despot who contributed to the cause of your divorce in the first place. Be the godly dad that elevates you in the eyes of your children above the other man. 

Divorce is so painful God likens it to an act of violence and says that He hates it. But like the pain of losing a loved one to death, the pain subsides with time but the scar of the event remains forever. Can you ever Dance with the Scars of divorce? Absolutely! Do not let the words of the covenant breaker define you and remember God has always had a plan for your life whether you were married or not. Serve the Lord with gladness, it will turn the wound of divorce into a scar and even, someday, allow you to minister to others. 

One last thing before we move on and will segue us into our next chapter, maybe you caused the divorce, maybe you committed adultery, maybe you are the wounded and now have become the wounded by your own actions. Remember that this life trauma is forgivable even thought your actions wounded and scarred others, including yourself. You must do the same when the time comes. You must move forward and serve God as you seek to do damage control for your actions and you too use this wound as an experience to help others. 

Excerpt from “Dancing With the Scars” now available on Amazon.

BARRY STAGNER

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